I just got done with my final show of the week. I have Sunday and Monday off and I am so excited to just DO NOTHING! I am going to take off the little bit of lip gloss and mascara I wear for stage, and then climb into bed with Arianna Huffington! I mean with her latest book, of course.

I just finished reading "Life With My Sister Madonna" by Christopher Ciccone -- which I certainly enjoyed -- but I am now craving something a little, how shall I say it? Meatier! Ariana's new bestseller is called "Right is Wrong: How the Lunatic Fringe Hijacked America, Shredded The Constitution, and Made Us All Less Safe (And What You Need to Know to End the Madness). Wow, what a mouthful, huh? That title is the Puerto Rican cock of book names, honey -- and you can bet it leaves a bad taste in the mouths of the crazy-as-shit Right Wing assholes she's targeting. Seriously, they're bonkers.

I was a little worried that the book would be dry and difficult to read, but nothing could be further from the truth. Ms. Huffington is a great writer and the book is not only surprisingly funny, but very readable. I think a book such as this is required reading what with the impending election fast approaching. I am barely 40 pages in (the book has 388) and she already has me nodding my head as she describes the shameless way the Republicunts (my word, not classy Ariana's!) have the entire nation in a stranglehold of fear. She has also touched upon the fact that so-called legitimate news organizations give more time to crap like Anna Nicloe Smith's death than to the war in Iraq. And the most fascinating part thus far, when she discusses how sex scandals and other PRIVATE matters are lain open, spread eagle, for the all-you-can-eat consumption of the viewing public. People are made to explain and apologize and answer questions that should simply require a response of "That's none of your business."

My favorite quote up to this point has to be this gem from the late British writer G.K. Chesterton: "If there is one thing worse than the modern weakening of major morals, it is the modern strengthening of minor morals." Perfection! Really think about it. When we as a society start concerning ourselves with who a particualr politician or celebrity is sleeping with while all but ignoring the fact that we are in a war that has cost us 4125 American lives and $560 billion (as of this writing), you know the end is near!

Now I have to get in bed and climb under the covers with Ariana. The covers of her book, of course.

People, please read. It is so important. It keeps your mind flexible. Think of it as Pilates for your brain. 

I just rolled out of bed here in Provincetown-- the land of flip flops and saltwater taffy -- and made a big pot of coffee. God, I love coffee! There is just nothing better than a hot cup of strong coffee to clear away the cobwebs in your brain and help you shake the cosmic Etch-A-Sketch and start each day with a fresh, blank screen! And honey, in this town, I need a fresh new start everyday! It has slowly dawned on me that no matter how good my show is, no matter how great the reviews, I am starting with a new batch of tourists every few days and all that hardwork and positive word-of-mouth goes right into the trash like useless, soggy coffee grinds. Yep, no matter how genius my show may have been last night, I have to once again get in full rodeo clown/whore and literally BEG people to come see it tonight!

You know that ad-libbing and improv are my forte', so when I am on the street I can always entertain people and get them to stop and take notice. People will stand there for ten minutes or so, cracking up. Finally, I will turn to them and say, "My street show is better than most of these bitches' stage acts -- if I can make you laugh like this out here when I'm not even trying, just imagine my show!" Usually they end up buying tickets, but not always. When families with young children walk by I say, "Stay in school, kids -- get a real job!" You have to give back, right?

Most people want to take photos. I usually say, "Sure! But why just PRETEND that you are having fun? Come see my fucking show and make some real memories!" They almost always just smile and ignore this as they take their picture. When a young teenager takes a photo with me I always chirp, "Say MySpace!" and then add, "You do realize that when you're talking to a 14 year-old girl on MySpace, it's really a 47 year-old man, right?" Many people take pictures of me from all the way across the street or while they are still walking, like I'm a zoo animal that could pounce and rip open their neck at any moment. Hmmm, maybe they're smarter than I thought.

Last night, a chunky woman in her mid-sixties with tight yellowing gray curls walked up and looked at me like I was something hanging on a gallery wall that could not see her back. She was in cornflower blue walking shorts, beige orthopedic shoes, the ever-present Cape Cod t-shirt (some folks go hog wild and get a hoodie!) and coke-bottle glasses. "Hi!" I say to her. Nothing. "Want to see a funny show?" I ask. "I don't know," she whines, "Give me a little free sample!" It's a show, bitch, not fudge, I think to myself. Then I figure, what the hell, and tell her one of the jokes that always gets a big laugh at my show. She just stands there, then says, "And?" To which I say, "That's it!" "Well, I don't get it" she sneers. I look over and her friend (neice? granddaughter? nurse?) has her face all screwed-up, like she just smelled shit, and starts slowly shaking her head in disgust. "I wouldn't pay ONE dollar to see your show!" croaks the hateful prune.  So I decide to handle this like the lady I am. I turn back to the old woman and say...

"WHY DON'T YOU SHOVE IT UP YOUR FUCKIN' ASS!? I DON'T NEED TO TAKE THIS SHIT FROM SOME OLD BITCH WHO LOOKS LIKE AN EXTRA FROM 'MAMA'S FAMILY'! LISTEN, DON'T TAKE IT OUT ON ME BECAUSE YOU LIVE IN IDAHO AND YOU HATE YOUR FUCKIN' LIFE!"

Yep, the docile white tiger just went for Roy's throat. The poor guy in the Goofy costume, finally lost it and kicked the bratty little kid who refused to stop punching him in the crotch. I did it for the sweaty immigrant back in Los Angeles dressed as a Subway sandwich who keeps cheerfully waving at passing traffic despite the constant barrage of verbal abuse and snickers from assholes in SUV's who think they're better than him. That sweaty Subway sandwich is no different than Meryl Streep to me. Show biz is show biz, honey.

As the unsuspecting granny practically runs away in her cumbersome comfortable shoes, her polyester-encased thighs rubbing together with such speed and force that they threaten to burst into flames, I lovingly add the cherry on top of my delicious Hate Sundae when, at the top of my lungs, I yell...

"HEY, AT LEAST I DIDN'T CALL HER A CUNT!"

People rush up and we sell at least 15 more tickets.  Good times!

Testing, testing... is this blog on? Hey everyone! It's me Jackie, just checking out how this new blog thing works...  I just adore the new look of my website! The rainbows and unicorns -- I feel just like an 8 year-old girl! Or a fortysomething pop star named Mariah! Tee hee! Anyhoo, I also love, love, love the new cartoon of me looking like Amy Winehouse after she kicked drugs and discovered Taco Bell!

I am still in Provincetown, trying to make enough money to get central air conditioning for my beautiful new home.  I also want to landscape my enormous backyard -- rock gardens and succulants -- you know, real eco-friendly and water-conserving! If you would like to see gorgeous pics of my new home, go to www.MySpace.com/jackiebeatrules and take a peek at the photo album appropriately entitled "Take A Tour of My Home!"

I have had many requests for a DVD featuring my music videos and I am thrilled to announce that Austin Young and myself will indeed be making one available! It will feature all our classics including Baby Got Front, Beaver, Santa's Baby, Retouch My Body AND our brand-new creation, Don't Tell Me You're Gay, featuring my best pal and Dirty Sanchez bandmate, Mario Diaz.

Speaking of Dirty Sanchez, we are releasing some B-sides, rarities, demos and remixes VERY soon. And yes, we are working on new music. Anyone who caught our show at Safari Sam's in Hollywood heard some of our new songs such as "Give Head and Be Beautiful", "Out of Body" and the old-school disco of "Please Don't Stop"! We are really trying some new things and I'm proud of our musical growth.

Finally, please meditate and/or pray for my precious dog, Baby. The poor little thing has kidney stones and needs surgery. My pal Travis, who is house/dog-sitting for me while I'm here in P-Town, assures me that it's a routine procedure, but I figure we should tap into all the positive vibes and loving white light we can, right!? Baby was a gift from Mario and she's the sweetest little thing in the world! Get well soon, Baby!

READ THE RAVE REVIEW OF MY P-TOWN SHOW!

SHOCKINGLY FUN!
By Guy Wolf (for Provincetown Magazine)

Jackie Beat is a dirty-minded and dirty-mouthed drag queen. That is a good thing by the way, since a lot of her jokes and song parodies depend upon graphic descriptions of sex organs and a variety of sex acts. It is tough to do a show with smut as a central theme. The risk is you'll become tedious and leave an audience feeling like they are hearing one long dirty joke. Luckily, this doesn't happen in Jackie Beat's one-hour, live singing and comedy show, currently running at the Post Office Cabaret.

READ MORE HERE